One of the worst things about truly anxious times is the costly toll on our most intimate relationships. Fear and stress can cause impatience, anger, and painful disconnects with the person we love and depend on the most—right when we need their support and companionship the most. In China, the divorce rate shot up when quarantines were relaxed.  This phenomenon is not about spending too much time together, explain Paige Marrs, PhD and Don Marrs, co-authors of Grabbing Lightning: The Messy Quest for an Extraordinary Love. It’s more about being unable to stay connected in love when frightened.

With decades helping people overcome the negative effects of fear on love, Paige and Don share these three core methods for healing painful disconnects and restoring closeness, security, and love:

1.  De-escalate yourself—before you try to de-escalate the argument
Create the deliberate, internal adjustment that will dissolve your inner angst enough that you regain access to your caring heart and clear mind. After that, you’ll be better prepared to truly reconnect with your partner.

2.  Restore the loving connection between you—before you get into a conversation
It’s so tempting to go straight into discussing whatever went awry so you can fix it quickly.

But don’t! Your pain comes from the disconnect between you and your beloved—not from the issue that triggered the argument. So take a moment to approach him or her in a way that brings you back to feeling the love between you. With that bond restored, the subsequent discussion will go a lot better.

3.  Listen and speak to create deeper understanding—before trying to find a resolution
Attempts to go straight for a solution once you’re talking can easily backfire and restart the tension. But not if you focus on two objectives. When it’s your turn to listen, do so from a genuine desire to understand your beloved more deeply. Then when you’re speaking, do so in a way that makes it easy for your beloved to hear you without getting triggered again.

These practices will help your relationship make it through these stressful times, with an added benefit. When these positive patterns of communication become routine, they help lift your relationship into new dimensions of love and well-being.